I recently received an email from a previous "mentor" of mine. Let's call him "Harry". I have mentor in quotes, because I'm not sure how much of a mentor Harry truly was (as I reflect on his interaction with me many years ago). I worked under his supervision for one year as an intern after graduating from college. I was not the only intern working for him, but I was the only female. And, my male intern friends alluded to Harry generally having a thing for the younger, female interns. With this information (whether it was true or not), I kept my distance from Harry. I remember him taking me out to lunch after a few months of me being there (and the male interns, of course, warning me), and I was freaked out the entire time. I remember ordering a salad (I never order just a salad), because I was so nervous that he was going to make some move on me. But, in the end - he was a really nice guy. In fact, Harry talked the entire lunch about his new wife and their new life together. And, I talked about my boyfriend at the time (yup, still Brandon!).
After this lunch meeting, it was definitely easier to be around Harry. I didn't feel so uptight, and I was not freaked out about him whenever I had to meet with him. However, near the end of my time working under his supervision (the last couple months), I did start to notice him complimenting me...not on my work so much, but on my clothes. At the time, it was flattering - what young, naive and self conscience girl wouldn't like that? Clearly, and idiotically, I was still a girl then.
As a result of this internship (through different experiences with it), I decided to attend grad school. With my time as an intern under his supervision being terminal, I would like to say that I ignored his compliments but I honestly can't remember...I think, I subconsciously liked them. I was definitely excited to move on, and I figured I probably wouldn't see him much after that. But, stupidly, even after starting grad school, I still kept in touch with him. We would meet for lunch maybe once a semester just to catch up. We would chat about my experience in grad school thus far, and how it was going with Brandon. He would offer advice on his previous grad school (and other) experiences, and update me on his house and wife. Harry would still compliment me on my clothes or whatever, and I would swiftly deflect it and gear the conversation toward something else. I even remember him saying something to me like "If I was 10 years younger, you would be just my type". Ick to the max! I know that I was probably only encouraging him by not addressing these comments, but I really didn't know how to address them. I felt like they were inappropriate, and they certainly made me uncomfortable...but, everything else about our conversations was fine. He had perspective on worldly concepts that I hadn't grasped yet, and it was just interesting to discuss these different topics. So, even though he made me uncomfortable 2% of the time, I would still see him for lunch a few times a year.
The last time I saw Harry was approximately 2 years ago soon after I got married to Brandon (Sept 2007 to be more exact...I just checked my archived emails). We had lunch as usual, but near the end of the lunch (as we were waiting for the check) he said something completely wild and inappropriate to me - something about a recent dream he had about me and him driving along the coast in California, and then he indirectly stated why we were together in his dream (and it wasn't to chat!). I remember being completely repulsed (shocked that he would actually say something like that
out loud to me), and I wanted to get as far away from him as fast as I could. I'm so non-confrontational, though, that I just stumbled my way out of the conversation...again, trying to deflect what he said. I told this to Brandon, and we both decided that I shouldn't be in contact with Harry again. Brandon already didn't like that I still had lunch with Harry, because he knew about the previous inappropriate statements. And, this incident was not a surprise to Brandon (to say the least).
So, that was 2 years ago. I did get a Christmas card from Harry and his wife that year, but I threw it away. And, I haven't heard from him or tried to think about him since. A couple days ago, he sends me an email saying that he's "been thinking about (me)", because there is a new movie version of
Clash of the Titans coming out (this is a remake of the
1981 version we had once shared an interest in). Of course, he follows this opening statement with hopes of getting together for lunch sometime soon. I am shocked to hear from him after so much time has passed and after what he said to me during our last meeting. I have not responded, and I don't think that I will. I say that I might not respond, because I feel bad just ignoring his email - I could at least give him some kind of response, even if it is to give an excuse like "I'm too busy to meet" on why I can't meet him for lunch (why I don't want to meet him, really).
Over the past couple days, I thought a lot about my relationship with Harry up until two years ago. I thought he was a good guy/mentor - as I said, he had perspective on things that I just hadn't experienced yet. And, I would have even called him a friend. But, I'm so mad at myself and embarrassed that I fell for his compliments (that I even subconsciously
liked them makes me sick). I know that I shouldn't be hard on myself at all about this situation, because I'm pretty sure he was NOT being a good mentor (taking emotional advantage of my weaknesses). But, it really does make me understand how much I have grown up since seeing him last (maybe I'm just more experienced overall or I'm actually seeing the dirty side of the real world). I can't say for sure that my reaction would be any different than it was 2 years ago - e.g., I can't see myself yelling at Harry or correcting him, but who knows...I might surprise myself. After all, I did have a very public and emotionally charged argument with a professor last school year (save for another post) that was purely academic (and ego/honor) related. I never would have thought that I could get so angry with someone and actually TELL them (especially a professor), but it was completely right at the time (while also embarrassing...think verbal diarrhea).
I guess, in regards to that situation with the professor, I have learned to actually "say something" when it bothers me...maybe I should be more eloquent when saying it, but I
should speak up. I didn't say anything to Harry when he bothered me or made me feel uncomfortable, and I'm still not sure that I can or want to. I think, for now, that I'm content not having any contact with Harry. I also still haven't resolved my issue with the professor :) but he certainly KNOWS how I feel about him and his ego.